in_the_secret is dead.

I decided a while ago (as those on my friends list might remember) that the phase of my life that this journal represents was nearly over. I decided yesterday morning that it is really over, so from this day forward this journal is dead.

If you are looking for me, you will find me at callmehero. It is a public journal, and I intend to keep it that way. All are free to read, but my intention for the moment is to keep my friends list small. Feel free to add me, but please, don't be offended if I don't add you back at first.



Out. Out, brief candle.

Current Mood: determined

I am soo tired! Me thinks I'm going to go to bed really early. I feel like an old woman! I'm too young to be a morning person!

In this light, my cat kind of looks like Smeagol.

I just woke up, and I'm running later than usual because my alarm didn't go off. Maybe that will mean that I will get to SCSU on time instead of half an hour early. This is the reason why I'm not rushing.

Last night, I found a bag of cookie mix, so I made double chocolate cookies and sat down to watch Homeless Man. I hadn't seen it in a while, so it really touched me. Every time I watch that movie, I get struck by the fact that "I don't belong here." I truly don't. I've never felt like I've really belonged anywhere. I'm not being a whiney child trying to get friends through pity. I've felt a kinship with people, but I've never really felt like anywhere is home. (The closest I've come is probably Boston.) That's OK, though, because this place isn't my home and spending my life trying to make it a heaven on earth is fruitless. That's what King Solomon did, and he died a bitter old man. I honestly don't think that God has it in the cards for me to sit behind a desk in an office earning a ludicris amount of money while simultaneiously being eaten up by the greed monster. Every time I sit and listen and truly get honest with God, He calls me overseas. But how do I get there? How does being at Northeastern help me get there? These are the things I don't know.

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God." ~HEB 11:8-10

"And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated--the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." ~ Hebrews 11:32-40

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, bk. 3, ch. 10

"Don't be afraid to pack your things and leave the comfort money brings and find your own way out of here alone. 'Cause we're all homeless anyway. We're searching in so many ways. I do believe there is a place for us." ~Twothirtyeight, Forty-Hour Incriments

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." ~Luke 4:18

I want to do something crazy. Creative. Something to draw me out of this bad mood. Hmm...maybe I'll bake brownies and have a brownie and ice cream. That'll be a nice surprise for when my parents come home, and chocolate always makes me happy. I'm too lazy to make real brownies. Maybe my mother has a mix...

My work schedule up through 7/26:

Friday (18th) 6:30-close
Saturday (25th) 6:30-close
Saturday (26) 5:30-close

hahaha

Remember the test I thought I aced in Western Civ? Well, it turns out that 11 people in my class failed (out of 25,) and I got a B. Nice solid B. I'm still wicked psyched because I didn't fail like many of my poor classmates.

I have to go back to the doctor and try for my hep shot today. That is the last place I want to be, but I can't go to college without finishing the series. I don't know when I'll be able to get the last one because the only time I can get it is on winter break, and my family is going to Disney World.

I am sooo excited. My family hasn't taken a vacation since I was 13, and I loved Disney when we went when I was 11. This time my bro and I are older, so we can traipse off on our own all day while Mom and Dad chill by the pool at Port Orleans. This time I think I'll get a lot more out of it because I'm old enough to really understand the stuff they're talking about at EPCOT. The animatronics were state of the art when we went seven years ago. I wonder how they'll seem now. I'm soo excited.

This weekend was fun, but I'm totally exhausted. It was really nice to see zeronine, Deb, and faded_grey again, and I got so much out of the sermon at Park Street (as short as it seemed.) God gave me the chance to have a lot of solitude in my dorm at night, and we did a great deal of talking. The sermon convicted me in a number of areas, and I got the chance to fully confess them all and listen to where He wants me to be going. There are a few changes that He wants me to make, and there are a few discussions that need to be had, and I have no clue how to go about it. I could really use some prayer because this is about to be a pretty big step for me.

I don't wanna get up for class!!!

*throws fit*

OK. Breathe. I've only got two weeks and two days left of this crap. I can handle it. I just can't let myself think that I'm doing this for nothing. Any credit is good credit.

Waaaaaah!!!

*sniff*

Hey...this gives me 11 credits towards a history minor or concentration...

I discovered yesterday that if I teach in certian (urban) areas for two years after I graduate from college, the government will pay my loans off for me. I need to figure out what I need to get certified, and I don't know how I would tie in the poli sci. I know that I'm a good teacher, and I could start out in education and go to law school part time. This way, I would be building a real work history, and the bills would come in slowly and, instead of having to borrow a ton of money and then owing the government $50,000 after I'm done, I'll be able to pay it off a lot faster with come creative budgeting. I have a feeling I'm going to end up minoring in poli sci and majoring in english or history secondary education because, if I follow my plan, I'm going to be teaching for a long time because getting my JD one or two classes at a time could take years. I don't know. I'm rambling. I need to get ready to go to history.

WAAAAAH!!!

Current Mood: confused

My final schedule for first semester:



Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday:

8:00-9:05 The Environment and Humankind
He stuck me in here! I didn't want it. Help!

9:15-10:20 College Writing
Expected

10:30-11:35 Theatre Arts

The poli sci department signed the entire major up for this class. I think they're trying to tell us something.

1:35-2:40 American Government
They picked this for me, too, obviously.


Monday:

11:45-12:50 American Government Recitation

Thursday:

11:45-12:50 College: An Introduction



I also placed into German 311. which made my admissions counselor's eyes bug. I guess that doesn't happen every day. I wasn't surprised that I did well. It was the German National Exam that I took two years ago in German III. The advisor guy tried really hard to get me into the German Film class, but it didn't fit into my schedule. *sniffle* I placed into standard college algebra, which made my mom's eyes bug. She thought for sure they would stick me in Fractions for Fourth Graders. I knew I would be OK because no one around me remembered how to add without a calculator, and I still remembered Mrs. Kellas's "Go Straight Across" song for multiplying fractions.

I also met up with a bunch of people from northeastern. Very cool stuff.

*waves to my new friends...and then to my old friends...and then good bye*

( Dreams and Debt  )

So, this weekend has been the weekend of the bands. Last night what's his name from GFN showed up, and tonight Mark from Lame Excuse showed up. I didn't say, "Hi" because I'm always bumping into him places, and it's awkward, but Jaime and him chatted it up. She played Interpool and The Postal Service most of the night, and he bought Interpool, so it was all gab, gab, gab. This group of kids from Thomaston came in, and I was bored, and I talked to them. Two of them were an engaged 17 year-old couple. The girl, Liz, and I exchanged SN's because we're both internet junkies with no lives. They seemed pretty cool.

I made a lot of sales tonight. This one lady with a disabled daughter bought $750 worth of stuff. That was by far the record since I started. Apparently she comes in and does that a lot. I wish I had that kind of money...but I'd rather have a healthy daughter than be able to spend all that money on her.

I was reading this book when it got slow about the dark side of the zodiac. I really don't believe in that stuff, but it's interesting when it's right. Man, this thing was dead on with Steve and I. I had to laugh. The only thing it was wrong about was that it said that both of us are stubborn and Taureans have a temper, and we'd be apt to be in constant strife. (It said, "When a Taurean gets mad, she will throw whatever is in her hand at your head--even if it's a butcher knife.") That hasn't happened yet. I don't think I've ever lost my temper to the point of violence. Well, those things can't be perfect. I don't think that ones personality is dye-cast at birth, anyway. Environment has to have something to do with it.

Anywho. I'm going off to Boston tomorrow for my orientation. Wooo!!! I'll be gone until Tuesday night.

Justin, I'll call you when I get to Boston. We'll be getting up there between 12 and 12:30. Aiight?

Sleep!!

You are scene as fuck. Not only do you know the
fashion, but you know the music. If you're not
getting laid, you should be.


How scene are you?!
brought to you by Quizilla

HA! Take that!

Go to sleep. Stop torturing yourself.

OK. I'm going.

No, you're not. You're just sitting there.

Are you calling me a liar?

Yes.

You wanna fight punk?

No. I just want to go to sleep.

Then go.

I can't exactly sleep with you still typing there, can I?

You can do whatever you want.

Only if it suits your interests.

When do I ever stop you from doing anything?

GO TO BED!

*whimpers* OK..

I just got home from work. I worked with John and Rachel. John is a serious pain in the butt. He thinks that because he's thirty, and he has two weeks seniority over me, he can talk to me like an underling. Excuse me! You are my peer according to Hot Topic, and if you want to take your frustration at being a 30 year-old sales associate out on me you can go kill yourself. It's not my fault that you piss everybody off, and everybody likes me. I tried to avoid him most of the night. Rachel is awesome, though. We sat there chatting it up. She's an English/education major at Quinnipiac, and she's so fun. She was contemplating dying her hair blood red, but her boyfriend doesn't like it when her hair is dyed. She laughed and said, "You obviously don't have that problem." I grinned.

The singer guy from GFN showed up today, and we chatted for a little while. He asked me why I wasn't booking anymore, and I told him about the whole Empress fiasco and reminded him of what happened at Winter Jam and told him that I was moving up to Boston to go to school. I told him that I was going to try to get a radio show, and I'd want to play local music, and his eyes got all wide. He started digging furiously through his bag and threw two CD's at me. He said that if I went to see them at the Cheshire show on the 22nd, he'd give me more stuff there. Hmm...Maybe I'll go into radio... lol

I'm really tired--but it's the tired of, "Yea! I accomplished something today!" At the same time I feel really lonely. I wish there was someone here I could...I don't know. *imitating Donkey from Shrek* I need a hug! I am going to drain Long Island Sound! It'll end the polluted water problem, and everyone will be happy--except for those jerks in Greenwich, who love their beach so much they won't share, but no one likes them anyway. They can make their own pond for all I care. God knows they can afford it.

My tiredness is making me ramble. I'm really not ticked off. I love my job. John is just a bitter jerk--who I can deal with, so it's not another Karen situation. Anyway. I'm going to go to bed before I say something else stupid.

Current Mood: exanimate

I am LIVID.

I go to the doctor because they say that enough time has elapsed for me to get my hepitis B shot. I do the usual checking in and all of that, and I sit down to do some banking while I'm waiting to be seen. A few minutes later, the door swings open, and a big nurse yells, "Hepititis B?" The entire waiting room collectively gasps, and an old couple look at me in horror. This nurse proceeds to explain to the entire waiting room that I am a moron, and I came too early to get my shot. I leave in tears totally embarrassed because now a whole waiting room full of people think I'm a dumb crack whore even though one of the nurses told me I could come in today. It pisses me off that they have to pass this huge bill (HEPPA) that makes life miserable for medical secretaries, and medical professionals don't even bother to follow basic rules of privacy.

It's common sense people!!!

Current Mood: pissed off

*stretches*

I just got up. It felt soo good to be able to sleep late. It's weird, though. I've always had a pretty good handle of knowing where I was when I woke up--even in host homes, but today I woke up in the same room and the same bed I have spent the last 16 years in, and I had no clue where I was. Very strange.

I have to go to the doctor later to get a Hepititis shot. *grumbles* I hate shots.

I miss Steve soo much. I can't believe I'm not going to be able to talk to him for three days! *sniffle sniffle* Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. *grin*

Current Mood: groggy

I've worked out my schedule for the fall semester (pending availability.) Here goes nothin!

American Government M, W, R 10:30-11:35 4 Credits
American Government Co-requisite M 11:45-12:50
Social Movements of the 1960's: M, W, R 1:35-2:40 4 Credits
Philosophical Problems of Law and Justice: M, W 2:50-4:30 4 Credits
English 102: M, W, R 4:35-5:40 4 Credits
College Intro: R 11:45-12:50 1 Credit

Total Credits: 17

Total Credits after 1st Semester: 28


I have no classes before 10:30, and I have no classes on Tuesdays or Fridays. I'm going to have to scramble to get from class to class, but I, in my niaf freshman mind, think I can do it. :-)

Current Mood: excited

*happy dance*

I got more hours! I got more hours!

I'm working tomorrow 5:30-close. Everyone come visit me and buy gift cards!

Unless you live out of state. Then don't visit me.

He broke into the house again!

There was nothing left in the house the last time he broke in.

WTF?!

I scared the inspector because I couldn't act like it was normal for us to leave the back door wide open.

It sickens me that I am related to that monster.

Welcome to the family!

Current Mood: pissed off